You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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