There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
