In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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