I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
