I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Small penises have feelings too.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
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