I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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