I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
