Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Randomize