Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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