dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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