im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
