I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize