My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You are a genius and a whore.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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