i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize