The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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