i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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