I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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