ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
