Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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