I just pynch a tree in the face
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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