I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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