so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
