after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
