if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
