Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
