dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
