god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
