; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
