I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
