i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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