Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Gay?
German.
Pity.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
