I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
