Pregnant stripper...not hot.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
