dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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