My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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