Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize