What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
