You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Welp...herpes.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
