The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
