last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
