I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
