News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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