I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
