i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
