I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
