i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
being pregnant is like rehab
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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