i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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