I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
