I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
we're making bets on your personal life
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
