Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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