i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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