My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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