I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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