I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
