I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
