Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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