So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize