I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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