He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
