this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
