i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Never let your siblings swipe right.
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