I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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