living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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