woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
