I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
