he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
