On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
