dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
