I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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