This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
