It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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