So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
